Next time you're at a wishing well. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. It's not intelligent to stand around with a controlled fire sticking out of your mouth. So come on in. Laugh often, long and loud. [] I look at war a little bit differently. And sometimes it rains. 24. Little kids would be afraid of "the boogieperson". And you might have noticed something else. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin, 45. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, theres another thing; the only blacks youll find at country clubs are carrying trays. (154), Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. Broadly speaking. Another George Carlin Quote. : Libertarian - Reddit They just care about having a comfortable place. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. You know how we got it? George Carlin - Quotes, Death & 7 Words - Biography Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, 4. So I say live and let live. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man." They average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece that's three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles you could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racistthere's another thing; the only blacks you'll find at country clubs are carrying traysand a boring game. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. George Carlin, 70. But he loves you. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. And just dumb enough to passively accept it., The government doesnt lie, it engages in disinformation., Im a loyal American and Im not happy unless I let the government and industry poison me a little bit every day., Government wants to control information and control language because thats the way you control thought, and basically thats the game theyre in., Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation., I believe the government should step in where the free market fails., Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them., A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does.. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. Its a fucking sacrilege! 10. It was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. 31. What exactly is viewer discretion? On Health Care: George Carlin Called It | by Sean Murphy - Medium Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. 33. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. People are wonderful one at a time. Happens to work. I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! But the Government Said I Have Rights | The Anarchist Library Best George Carlin Quotes of All Time - LiveAbout In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm! And do people really watch this shit? Think about it: religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. 14. People I can do without. Click here, sign up, and get your first ride with Uber for free. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. Catholic kids are stupid; they don't know how to handle a pedophile priest. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. For twelve dollars. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!". My mind doesnt work that way, I got this real moron thing I do, its called thinking and Im not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions I have certain rules I live by. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the . He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. Let's go for a drive OK? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. George Carlin, 54. Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. BAD WORDS." You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me. We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. You still need a note to get laid. Fascism won it. Fucking is legal. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? When youre born in America, you get a front-row seat. I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. In fact, George Carlin had some pretty interesting things to say about government. We are on a nice downward glide. So, basically, what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer! Think about this: think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. And they're elected by American voters. Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. Here are some of our favorite George Carlin quotes on politics. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? No question about it. We're going to the country because we like nature." Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin, 20. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you - YouTube Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. Garbage in, garbage out. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? George Carlin on God "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! You don't have to bring flowers. Electricity is really just organized lightning. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, 2. Help me find some shoes I really like. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. I wish to be BLOWN UP. 8 George Carlin Quotes On Death That Will Make You Think! You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. It's ridiculous! I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a. George Carlin murders a conservative from beyond the grave. - Reddit I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos! That's generally been true. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. George Carlin, 28. 22. We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Maybe evenremember them? Either you gimme my money backor I'm shittin' in the well! Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. - George Carlin. They'll get it. Living in this country, you're bound to know, every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business is still: the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. Why did they decide that? 21 George Carlin Quotes On Government And Politics Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. Well, they don't want you to get an infection! Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. Thats all it is. But, when it comes to changing the language, I think they [feminists] make some good points, because we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? Are these fucking people kidding me? What do you want Him to do? But once youre born, youre on your own. "One thing leads to another"? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. Youll never see the black guys going, Oh, golly! Its because volunteers work for no pay. Im not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. George Carlin, 62. The truth is, we dont have people like that. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Selling is legal. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. Looking for the best George Carlin quotes? How about "Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree's on Fire"? Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. I love it when it didn't take a, Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. Bullshit is everywhere. First thing- "Hey! And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. ""I don't think we should be governing ourselves. And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. And you know something? If your kid needs a role model and you aint it, youre both fucked. George Carlin, 32. Bomb them!" The people are fucked.". Everywhere you go now, there's some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tapeEVERYTHING! But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?". When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? On the radio. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle-class and lower-class men off to die. George Carlin, 78. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. In this blog post, well take a look at some of Carlins most famous quotes on government. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. You have owners. What George Carlin Believed About Religion We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it.