I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. Fuck. 10 on Billboard Rock albums chart. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you. That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. Just throw a few raccoons my way. The lady started measuring some things. As of now, I cant talk about our news. And maybe a little less sad. I hope you are safe. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support your foundation. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. He was mine, how can that be? Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. Its late now. THANK YOU. As we drove to our hotel, I spent the majority of the car ride, quite, with tears streaming down my face. It was my agent, Nena. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I love you. A few nights ago I was at my office working on my book, but I needed to take a little time out so I started to go through my pictures of you to make his card. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. I put down the blanket that you died on and on top of that I set out all of your favorite things. I sat today and tried to be productive. I have had a blast and it is a healthy, good distraction. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. I often give her crap about this. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. "My darling. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. Everything feels extra heavy, hard, sad, and the slightest things take up every ounce of energy I have just to get through the day. I very rarely know happiness of my own. I do these things for you. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Categories Uncategorized Tags angels, arizona, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, Family, god, Lazer Tag, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Neuroblastoma, Phoenix, Rockstar Ronan, sloan kettering, The Ronan Thompson Foundation, true love 11 Comments on Moneyball, Liz. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. I wake up exhausted. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. I am sorry. Who knows what I am getting myself into, but Ill never know unless I try. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. I miss you. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. A dozen times. Im pacing the house now. Not the spilled milk, not the I dont have enough time for myself because my kids keep me too busy, not the messes made, not the arguments that are had, not the strong-willed child that throws a fit over everything, not the I am too tired because my sick, child kept me up all night. Please. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. These kids, deserve to be embraced. Trust me. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. The Kardashians?! Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I am not taking your day and turning it into something fucking pretty, happy, light, and filled with angels from above. 31 on Billboard 200 and No. What do you mean, I cant talk to him anymore? I have tried to be as productive as possible. Its one of my only drawings I have of yours. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. We sat, just the 4 of us and I tried to let myself relax and enjoy our dinner. Ive am living in a war zone every single day. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. I almost made your daddy take me to the ER as I thought I was massively dehydrated. I dont miss you less. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. All I can do is my best and I want to do this the right way, not the rushed way. Although this is a happy time for us in our lives, the sadness of not having you here, to meet your baby sister is almost at times too much for me to even fathom. Thank you for never forgetting my little guy who continues to inspire you daily. I feel like I am back there again. I mean, I think your big blue eyes are the most compelling piece of evidence ever of why this disease deserves to have a better outcome. I dont get a life full of beauty, only moments. I saw things that you dont even know about. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. What a day. She sent me a picture of it today. Im alone and I have nobody to take care of me.. I look forward to watching what she does in regards to Neuroblastoma. We had a little debate that I took a stance on and refused to back down. thru it all he still puts a smile on his face and the courage i see within him is just beyond amazing! Can we talk about when you can induce me. I got through your diagnoses and I had no idea writing about that again would leave my head spinning in the way that it did. They help me to survive this life I live now, without your sparkly eyes, little laugh and sweet lips. That woman humbles me like no other. Then perfect baby Ronan. I know its important to them Ronan and I am so thankful for all the hard work thats going into this disease, but its not enough. Her baby, was 21 when she was diagnosed. I hope you are safe. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. Even a 45 minute car ride. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses? I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. ! because thats what I totally felt like. I am tired of being tired and Im going to fight through this as hard as I can. But due to the fucked up things that go on in my head, I have convinced myself that if we had live here, you would not have gotten cancer and died. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldnt do that. Tell me about your trip. I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, We need to come up with alast minuteMay plan, because Icant behere. He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. Ireland! I almost fell over. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. She could not believe it. I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. Rissy Girl. I thought I was fine tonight after I left and I dont know what happened. "My darling. I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. Those moments mean so much to me. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. Charisma. Sometimes not. Ronan. I think my eyes do too. Anything else I need to address tonight?? Nothing will. I was mesmerized by her. I will never stop apologizing for this. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. If you are not and you are still complaining about this shit I would really like to punch you in the face. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. This was my idea as I knew we were going to need a way to get a laugh and some smiles on this trip. The one where I was watching that little girl play in all the clothes racks. All of this is way much for one person to handle. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. I think I need to spread the RoLove around. I hope you are safe. I am proud, too Ronan. She put the little wand over my belly. I love you. This is why they are still in my life. I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. Happily. It was an emotional day but so rewarding as well. Im better. Bad things happen everywhere., Me: Well, Ill bet kids dont get cancer and die here. She looked at me and said, How are you not so overwhelmed?! I emailed her and told her I was there and that I wish had been there, speaking. Alone. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. Your costume. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. Why is the house so quiet? I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should beclearly be me. You are making so many amazing things happen. I'm landing close to midnight. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! What amazing little girls. I dont think this is normal. It makes me feel happy. Im a mom. Now, going back to try to read that book is like a sick joke. To make sure good things continue to go on, because of their baby? Bye Bye Little Sad House! We Have a New Home! - ROCKSTAR RONAN Swallow pill. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. They are at practice now. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. Quinn was over the moon. I hope you are safe. I miss you. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. I huffed and puffed. I cant though. I just want my best friend back. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. Im angry, sad, and feel really let down. I miss him so much.. I got home. Its fluff and fluff does not work for me. I chose to escape instead. I beg over and over in my head. God Bless your beautiful family! Liam has been going on some runs with me at night, but I had no idea he could run 3.6 miles in 30 minutes. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. Everything was so simple and so easy. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. I like to listen to her when I bake. I left the restaurant with Liam. You know what the baby is, dont you. I smiled. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. It felt like it today. I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I swear I stare at it all day long. We were all tired from our long day of traveling. The song finished. But more importantly, our kids deserve more funds from our government. Forever sorry. Thank you. Its so funny to me how the medical community are just not big huggers. Nobody knows that. O.k. So typical. I miss my workouts. They didnt. She is a great doctor. Its Humanity. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. September 2022 - ROCKSTAR RONAN May 9th. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. Its much too early for those. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. I said I knew. We have been dealing with some *cough cough* technical difficulties. Our Fairy RoMo. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. Homemade crust. I think you would have liked the name. I woke up to a quiet house. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I will make you both proud. Im so excited. I am floored. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. I knew where it was, but I had not touched it since you wore it on our last Halloween together. To bond. Rise and ShineInsomnia! Missing you. Its not the same as having you here. Nothing is worth this pain. How do you know everything? For the love that was ripped from my arms. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. I think the name is darling and it truly makes me smile. The picture came on the screen. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. I think the phone call went really, really, well. I know you will. Ronan. There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. In a way that I havent been able to do since you died. Not crying. I have to make you proud, Ronan. There was complete devastation. Best news ever. I hope you are safe. So far, so good. I love you so much. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I remember last year, I couldnt even pack my suitcase. THANK YOU. the voice of reason and also the voice of you are clearly insane: People get cancer everywhere, living here would not have changed Ronan getting cancer.. The going to New York thing all alone. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. I feel like that, all the time. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. You didnt see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. She obviously gets those from your daddy. Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. Sweet dreams. Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. What a fucking joke. This will be your legacy, Ronan. This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. Your brothers get the flu, awesome! Such amazing little boys they are. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;). Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. You are so right. 6 would have been much better. It was actually all I could do, not to run up to the podium and hijack the speakers talk. If you cant be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. I think Lacrosse is a good start. I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. We Have a NewHome! https://kjzz.org/content/1737378/you-were-my-best-4-years-scottsdale-mom-reflects-taylor-swifts-rerelease-ronan?fbclid=IwAR0enkIGpunEZ1qheo1ngCebWs7VHK59S0wR3YE7pVWlQJaviWYlMFquNSk. It still blows my mind that you are never there. My phone rang. Nothing. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. I leave soon. Come on, settle down. I hope you are safe. That phone call where I was left saying, What? Guess what? I grab my Ambien that I now only take due to emergencies. I saw my OBGYN as well. Candice from TGen was kind enough to make sure I got to meet Dr. Sholler today. I miss you. I just want you back. Your boots were not that ugly.. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. He knows that too. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. Ryan Stahr Kulchinsky (born January 7, 1978) is an American rock singer-songwriter from Long Island, New York, currently signed on Island Records.His first major label record 11:59, released via Atlantic in 2010, reached No. I am not doing anything else. Today, my tears were more happy. Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. But I am not doing this the nice way. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. I was out cold. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. Katie. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. After I left there, my phone rang. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. Why are you laughing. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. Please!!!!!!! I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? Ronan. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I cant take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. Grief. Meg. Ronans gone. He always knows that. on Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. I do think this is true. You should not be sitting there. P.S. Now that Ive met you, youre in. It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. Im tired. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish. She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. I sat at the TGen conference all day again today. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? That will never change. with this crazy girl hugging her and trying to find the words to tell her thank you. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. We landed in a big city. Its just too perfect., Your daddy a.k.a. little man. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. It was game over. I am just proud that I actually started it and I am making progress. I went and got it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. You are a writer, plain and simple. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. You know that speaks volumes in my book. Last night, when I was roaming around our house, I looked outside. Ill never forget all the pokies, we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. I didnt see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. Nobody was there. I need to rough them up a bit. (still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. I dont think Ive ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. what a beautiful little guy whos touched so many lives! If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. I would like to think so. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. I actually got nervous as I went to not shake her hand, but to give her a hug instead. was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I am a good mother. I love you. I only wish it were your body wearing it. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. I told her I wasnt going to. As I said before, I dont think I need any words. Ryan Star - Wikipedia If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. To cry. But I miss the days when life was always beautiful, always joyful, always full of such love and laughter. I love you so much. Im not a researcher. Im sitting in the parking lot. December 2021 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. I told him I wasnt going to let it be that way and he said something like, Well, youd better start figuring out how to control that. Ive slowly been doing that. We talked about some other things. I miss being on the go 24/7. Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. THANK YOU. I told them I was. Of course I said, HECK YES! Because I dont like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. I miss you so much, Ro. Are you o.k. Liam chimed in, too. I am forever so very sorry I couldnt fix you. I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. Ronan. I love you. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. I love you, Ronan. Im mentally tapped out. I let myself get lost in my baking. Im so lucky to have her, Ro. My nights have been spent writing accompanied by hot flashes and puking over the toilet again due to living this fucked up journey over in my head again and writing it all out to tell our little story. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. I know he misses you but for some reason, it hit me really hard today. I cannot process this. These are kids. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. Sweet dreams, little one. She also told me she hoped I was o.k. I left there, feeling like my heart was going to explode from the pain of missing you. I sent my Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text and told him how I could not get out of bed. He is someone you loved so much. I am a natural born mother. I never have and never will. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. Everything hurts. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. I kind of miss my Ambien is the devil days. Agreed. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like Im no the verge of a breakdown. Ronan. I cannot tolerate a life of complaining of nothingness. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. They are such good little boys. I went to see Dr. JoRo. We met up with some friends. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf.